Copywriting Sample – Video Sales Letter Lead – Male Health Supplement

As consulting Lead Copywriter for an ad agency, I needed to improve the response from a Video Sales Letter that the agency had paid a top VSL writer to produce.

It wasn’t converting well and I felt the copy overall was strong but the lead (the introductory attention grabber) seemed to lack empathy with the audience.

I completely replaced the lead section.

Here are results of the split test on the Video Sales Letter version using the old copy against my new copy.

(Coloured screenshots come from the video analytics software showing engagement levels of both variants)

Original lead variant: 25% retention past the lead.


My new lead variant: 44% retention past the lead.


This meant the new lead increased engagement by… well, a lot depending on which stat you calculate from. 🙂

Here’s the copy, slightly modified for use as the long-form transcript of the VSL:



I was offered this report while searching for something more comprehensive and more reliable, than all the popular health supplements that get bandied about online like candy…

You may know the one’s I mean. Maybe you’ve tried them out yourself…

And sure, I got great results in the past from things like Omega-3, CoQ10, Resveratrol… even Algae Powder.

(my wife got me onto that awful stuff after I started suffering with erection problems hoping it would fix me)

…and I was looking for something all-inclusive… something for complete masculine health… and specially designed for men over 40.

Something that could literally be felt in every area of my body, for all areas of my life.

From ‘Balls-to-Bones’, so to speak…

And after days of searching, a trusted health advisor who I interviewed by phone offered to send me a 30-page report chock-full of his research.

And What I Read Changed My Life Forever


“…multi-billion dollar research by the U.S. Army revives the health of our soldiers for peak performance — at any age!”

Dr. Dan Johnson of The Comprehensive Fitness Program of The U.S. Army announced: “The U.S. Military has a strong interest in the potential health benefits of this formula”

“…Restores your ability to carry out complex tasks, both physically and mentally, allowing you to function in all areas of your life with peak performance.”

“What the Army calls Executive Function”

Believe it or not, that was just one of the tips I learned.

The Report Covered Everything I Feared About Aging


I felt like I’d struck oil!

And my wife’s expression was priceless after my bedroom performance just a matter of weeks later.

It all begins with shocking insight about:

[the original script continued from here]

The Causes Of Decline For Civilian Men Age 40 And Over

First hand research in the [weight loss] market (Atlanta Georgia, here comes a copywriter!)

In relation to a weight loss award for a new natural hunger suppressant (clinically proven to significantly reduce body fat over extended periods of time… without extra exercise or forced dieting)…

I’ll be in-and-around Atlanta Georgia for the month of September conducting field research to build up an audience profile for the product, yet to be released to the public.

Full details forthcoming…

But in essence, this applies from a product launch / marketing perspective to any mass consumer market.

I’ll be:

  • Conducting interviews (recorded on the brilliant new Sony ICD SX 1000 voice recorder)
  • Building interviewee profiles to capture their unique ‘strategy’ for losing (gaining or keeping) weight
  • Forming personas from the similarities and differences that emerge
  • Building empathy maps useable for storyboarding ideal product launch programs

Then: Read More

Health Copywriter

When I got an email requesting a call from a significant size direct mailer in the health market…

…I just thought it was another project with a great new client.

But what she told me was surprising…

Apparently, for all you unfortunate Marketing Directors that hunt for the best health copywriters… most of the sites you come across are kinda, well, bland and boring.


Like they don’t instantly impress you with the copywriters ability to tell a good story… a relevant story, to keep you engaged, stirring you enough to take action and speak to that copywriter right then and there…

Am I right?

Well that’s what I was told when I got on the phone with the new client…


Whatever she found on my site, she was sufficiently impressed to want to speak with me.

You see:

* It’s not about how many certificates in vitamins the copywriter has got (although I do have a couple of those too)

* And it’s not about how many awards they have for writing medical articles either, is it?

Of course not.

Oh sure: My dad is a senior examiner at the British College of Naturopathy… He runs an alternative health clinic in London… And I live every day with the practical application of the natural health education he gave me.

And yeh…

I’ve been involved with sales and marketing of alternative health products for years.


What matters to a direct response marketing company, in the health field or otherwise, is: can this copywriter produce copy that makes us sales. Lots of sales.

That happens by:

1. keeping the reader engaged – like you are now…

…and 2. being a direct response copywriter who just seems to have that special ability to get under the skin of the prospect and make them eager to buy.

Actually, there is a 3. not that I like to admit this but…

…I work like a dog on big projects as if my self-esteem depends on it… so I hunt for every bit of potentially helpful information I can find:

  • On the subject matter of the health product itself
  • On competitor mailings
  • On the general direct mail trends happening at the time (package format, offer structure, substitute products, etc)

…and I spend countless hours reading morning and night mulling over possible approaches to the copy project…

That’s why I prefer bigger projects (certainly bigger paying projects) because it means I can justify the use of my time to thoroughly do the project full justice.

I care about reaching the prospect that can benefit from the product.

I care about my client who is paying me to do my best job.

And I care about my royalties 🙂

So I now have ALL of this insider up-to-date know-how for how to get results in the health market.

And I guess the added bonus with me is that I can contribute to marketing strategy ideas too, given my background in senior marketing management.

I love the health industry and am keen to develop close ties with a few major mailers that are really going some where – as the ‘wellness revolution’ expands and all the baby-boomers poor money into alternative health supplements and services.

Maybe I can contribute to ‘beating the control’ with your existing stable of writers, or help you break into broader health related markets.

So, shall we at least chat?

Contact me or grab a copy of my white paper on “The Copywriter Selection Process” available from the copywriting services page.

Copywriters in the Health Field

Health Field Copywriter reveals an early turning point memory…

As a 5 year old wanna-be health field copywriter…

I stood before my father’s superman poster at his alternative health clinic in London UK.

Looking up at that mighty super hero, I wasn’t sure I was smart enough to understand the caption.

But with all my conscious intent I battled with it.

You see:

Superman held two plates of food

One full of junk food.

One full of healthy food.

The caption read:

“Eat to live. Don’t live to eat”

How profound.

333160176.103094How dumbfounding for a 5 year old.

None the less…

I was imbued with a sense of choice. Good vs Bad. Healthy vs Non-Healthy.

And I was intent on getting smarter so I could understand those obscure captions I saw on posters.

As a Naturopath, my father taught me about health.

In my marketing profession I applied myself to direct response copywriting.

Now as a copywriter in the health field, I still am no genius at making cutesy slogans for bill-board advertising…

…but I am able to sell via direct response long copy, weaving a story in the mind of the target audience and compel them to buy your product right then and there…

Check out my health copywriting pages:

3 Health Copywriter’s Mistakes

I just created a page on being a Health Copywriter

And if relevant to you, here’s 3 mistakes I know marketers and copywriters make with health product marketing:

  • What level of subject matter expertise does the prime prospect have? (layman who just wants a magic quick fix vs an alternative health enthusiast who wants to be sure of ingredient efficacy?)
  • How broad or narrow is your prime audience / or the audience that you can reach with this particular campaign? (lose weight vs lose weight for males over 50)
  • Could your marketing be used by your competition, or does it clearly show genuine differentiation? (natural make-up vs natural make-up with isolated kiwi-extract – see

Despite direct mail wanting to attract and profit from the largest pond of prospects possible…

Yet the balance must be made to create highly personalised campaigns that get a high response from a tighly selected list.

To be both effective and efficient.

These things may seem pretty obvious, yet careful review of copy can often reveal hesitation to commit or ‘trying to appease too many people’.

Remember: If you try to sell to everyone, you likely end up selling to know one. Try to be a big fish in a small pond (niche market) rather than a small fish in a big pond (the general market).

See my Health Copywriter page.